Regret: The First Few Hours After a Life-or-Death Situation

Via Jen at Flickr, https://www.flickr.com/photos/blu_pineappl3/14019379906

On November 14, 2022, I sped away from a harrowing situation at work: having a gun pulled on me during a home visit (for more background, see the prior post). The hours afterwards were both a daze and also life changing. Some of the rawest reflection I have ever done came in the wake of this incident. Heads up in advance: I go pretty deep in this post, so consider this a warning!

I also need to say that I know this situation was pretty tame compared to what plenty of others have gone through, be in through illness, violence, military service, or something else. It still made a big impact in my life, and I feel still bears reflecting on.

More Meetings

Ironically, the first thing I did after leaving the scene was head to a meeting with a fellow social worker wanted to collaborate on a new project to aid Veterans in the community. I hope the meeting did some good – I remember next to nothing about it. I remember leaving, calling my boss from the parking lot to explain the situation and then call off the rest of the day, and posting a joking Snapchat story about how conflicted I was about my then-career, having been given a whole week off for the holidays but also having had a weapon drawn on me.

Ice Cream and Booze

First stop afterward: an ice cream shop. Triple scoop sundae, please! It just called to me in the moment; what better way to celebrate having gotten through the day. From there, a brief trip home: being a true Millennial, I was living at home with my folks at the time and debriefed them on what had happened. A trip to the bar called. As I drown my sorrows with a couple sours, I finally slowed down and started to ponder the magnitude of the day.

Regret

One stereotype that I think holds true is that people in their 20’s truly do feel invincible. The thought of a tragedy happening to you is largely inconceivable; it becomes so easy to take tomorrow for granted that you forget to live in the now. I know I felt that way. Coming face-to-face with one’s mortality flips that on its head and made my head spin. It was frightening to realize how fragile and tenuous life really is. My mind twisted myself into knots wondering what if that had just been it?

The incident came at a pivotal time for me. I had a tough time thinking about my 20’s up until that point. Straight up – things had been rough for a while. While on the surface I was doing okay – a stable, respected job, some small savings, family nearby, friends, involved in sports – under the surface things weren’t so hot. I was trying to dig myself out of a mental hole I put myself in during my time in college and had never truly recovered from. A long-term relationship had just recently failed. Having moved out previously, I was now back living at home. I had (and still have) no clue what I wanted to do for a living, and had so many things I want out of life but no clue how to piece them all together into a coherent, functional plan. If for nothing else, that day gave me a sense of clarity and a drive to make bolder choices while I still can and am not tied down and see where that takes me. Without that day happening, I don’t think I’d be where I am today.

The biggest thought that kept bubbling to the surface was that nagging feeling that comes with regret. Regret for a lot of things I wouldn’t have been able to try to rectify if the situation had gone south. My mind raced to all sorts of events over the years. The family and friends I didn’t say “I love you” enough to. The crushes I never pursued for fear of rejection. The activities I never tried but always wanted to. The careers I had talked myself out of. The friends I had fallen out of touch with, feeling like a burden. The potential friends I never asked to hang out, feeling like they wouldn’t enjoy it. The negative things I felt about myself, feeling unworthy of this or that. The beliefs I didn’t stand up for.

It made me genuinely sick thinking about all that. I can’t say I had a mind-blowing revelation and all my fears and anxieties disappeared and I attacked life with an unstoppable force, but the trivial things that always seemed so difficult no longer did. Some “why’s?” and “how’s?” turned into “why not’s?” I’ve tried to maximize my time more than I did. It hasn’t always been successful (pursuing two unrelated careers for over a year!), but I feel I’ve done better. I’ve tried to be a better friend and family member. I hope I’ve succeeded.

Thank you

The biggest thank you goes to two dear friends who took time out of their busy schedules in the middle to come have an impromptu drink with me that night and keep me company. The laughs and distraction you provided were amazing and I’ll never forget it!