Who’s Winning the Super Bowl?

272 games later, it’s playoff time! 18 battle-worn squads have jetted off to Cancun, leaving 14 standing. It is time to predict the NFL’s Super Bowl champion, but before we do, let’s take a look down memory lane from the several months:

This was a unique season. We had backup QB’s galore: Passtronauts, Cutlets, and Rudolph’s ruled the day. There was sightings of rare specimens: Wentz’s, Gabbert’s, and Flacco’s were all spotted in the wild. Broncos Country rode the bench. Baker rode the Baker roller coaster all the way to January. Tim Boyle and Nathan Peterman graced our screens with their presence. Some Ginger from D2 outplayed the #1 overall pick. CJ Stroud is HIM.

Mahomes won the prestigious MVB (Most Valuable Bundler) award, then whined like a baby over a wittle penalty that went against him. Maauto Travis Kelce is in his Swiftie Era. JA17 cozied up with Hailee Steinfeld. The Jets cozied up with the well-immunized Rodgers.

Tepper threw an even bigger temper tantrum than Mahomes. Twice. He gets to spend the offseason contemplating how his #1 overall draft pick ended up on the shores of Lake Michigan. The Lions rallied behind Dan and his massive juevos; just make sure you check your eligibility. The Eagles thought giving Matt Patricia more power was the best idea since crab fries. Their old coach didn’t manage any better. Puka Power all the way. McDaniels picked an odd hill to die on. McDermott picked even odder analogies. Staley got angry and Chargered-a-plenty. Arthur Smith’s galaxy-brained use of Bijan stumped the masses. “Losing season” remains a foreign concept for Tomlin and Yinzers alike.

The refs blew some games. Again. There was a disappointing lack of snow. London was used for an “experiment”. My fantasy team got some boo-boos at the worst time.

(Super) Wild-Card Weekend

You add two more games to Wild Card weekend a couple of years back and suddenly it becomes Super? What gives, NFL? THE PEOPLE NEED ANSWERS!

AFC

#2 Buffalo Bills over #7 Pittsburgh Steelers

Time: 1:00 PM EST Sunday, January 14, 2023

Has Vegas set the line yet on how many times the announcers will mention “William and Mary”?

Unless the Bills defeat themselves (a definite possibility), this is going to the home team.

#3 Kansas City Chiefs over #6 Miami Dolphins

Time: 8:00 PM EST Saturday, January 13, 2023

Swifties rejoice! Dolphins are just down too many key guys.

I am not a believer of TuAnon.

#5 Cleveland Browns over #4 Houston Texans

Time: 4:30 PM EST Saturday, January 13, 2023

The Browns have become a lot more likeable with Captain Happy Ending out of the picture. Maybe the romantic in me is why I pick them here: hoping Joe Flacco helps the Browns go deep, then dons a cowboy hat, hops on a horse, and rides out of Cleveland Browns Stadium into a Lake Erie sunset.

The Texans are young and fearless – this will be a close one.

NFC

#7 Green Bay Packers over #2 Dallas Cowboys

Time: 4:30 PM EST Sunday, January 14, 2023

All of Jerry World, especially Jerry himself, will be on edge as Mike McCarthy stares down his old team. Look for a close shootout and a heartbreaking clock-management blunder from McCarthy in the final 3 minutes to decide this one…Here We Goooooooooooooooo!

#3 Detroit Lions Over #6 Los Angeles Rams

Time: 8:00 PM EST Sunday, January 14, 2023

While the focus will be on the long-suffering fanbase donning Honolulu Blue, I’m feeling a revenge game of the Jared Goff variety. Lions to destroy his former team.

#5 Philadelphia Eagles over #4 Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Time: 8:15 PM EST Monday, January 15, 2023

This has nothing to do with a very average Bucs team; it has everything to do with an Eagles squad that is melting more than the Cheez-Whiz on a cheesesteak.

Philly is the better team, but if they can’t figure out something on either side of the ball this week, the Bucs will squeak this one.

Divisional Round

AFC

#1 Baltimore Ravens over #5 Cleveland Browns

The Ravens were off everyone’s radars for far too long. Not so after the beatdown they gave San Francisco and Miami in back to back weeks.

Give me crabcakes over whatever dish Cleveland is known for. Any Clevelander reading this – do y’all even have a food you’re known for?

#2 Buffalo Bills over #3 Kansas City Chiefs

As long as Buffalo gives the ball to Kansas City with fewer than 13 seconds on the clock…

NFC

#1 San Francisco 49ers over #7 Green Bay Packers

Green Bay should be the model organization to follow. Constantly having a QB in the Keystone pipeline, not overpaying for stars, and not making knee-jerk decisions on players, coaches, and front office staff has led to a solid 30 years of contending for titles. Those receivers are gelling with Jordan Love – watch out for them next year.

But this is about this year, and this year the Pack ain’t stopping the Niners machine.

#3 Detroit Lions over #5 Philadelphia Eagles

Not all the Tush Pushes in the world will save Philly here. Give me the Danimal and a rolling Lions team in a blowout.

Conference Championships

AFC

#1 Baltimore Ravens over #2 Buffalo Bills

ESPN Instant Classic here. Allen vs. Jackson. Diggs vs OBJ. Wings vs crabcakes. The Ravens are just better-rounded than the mistake-prone Bills. Baltimore is Super Bowl bound.

NFC

#1 San Francisco 49ers over #3 Detroit Lions

Yeah, yeah I know it’s boring taking the two #1 seeds. Ice cold take. But this is a prediction post, so here we are. San Francisco can just destroy you too many ways. Detroit is a piece or two (and maybe a QB?) away from toppling the Top Dawgs of the NFC.

Super Bowl LVIII

San Francisco 49ers over Baltimore Ravens

Revenge is a dish best served with Clam Chowder in a sourdough bread bowl. Baltimore gets stunned by a team that refuses to go down twice to the Ravens. CMC rushes for over 100 yards and hauls in 6 catches for another 50 yards with some TD’s to boot. Brock Purdy gets a bonus for winning so big he can finally afford his own apartment.