Well, turns out I was just off by a year! The Eagles were my 2023 pick to win it all, and they just decided to wait a year on that ring. Might this be a good omen for 49ers, who I mistakenly had as favorites last year? We shall see.
Another Fall rolls around, and with it comes the sound of pads clashing to the dulcet tones of Sam Spence-NFL Films bangers. Hopes and dreams abound, as new coaches, quarterbacks, GM’s, and the like all have perfect records…for now. Offseason drama is nearly behind us, and everyone is itching to get to the juicy stuff. So how will this season play out? Let’s rank every team in the NFL from least likely to most likely to lift the Lombardi come February.
Struggle Bus
Embed from Getty Images#32 – New Orleans Saints
2024 Record: 5-12
If delusion was a franchise, the Saints would be it. Continuing to sign expensive free agents like they are one signing away from a ring, the Saints Brain Trust is allergic to the word “rebuild.” Maybe after this s***-show of a season plays out, they might clean house and reconsider.
#31 – Tennessee Titans
2023 Record: 3-14
Will Levis and his hilarious reactions to backbreaking mistakes are gone, and in comes Cam Ward to save the franchise. My hopes are not high here. Offensive and defensive weapons are just lacking. The most entertaining thing about them is their incredibly lame sensitivity – wearing the Oilers throwbacks to taunt the Texans the last two years, only to shelve them this year after losing both times.
#30 – Seattle Seahawks
2024 Record: 10-7
I am a Geno Smith believer; with little help, he kept them relevant for a couple of years. I am not a Sam Darnold believer; those last two weeks in Minnesota last season set off all the alarm bells for me. I don’t buy that Coach Mike MacDonald has as Darnold-friendly a scheme as Kevin O’ Connell did with the Vikings.
#29 – New York Giants
2024 Record: 3-14
Coach Brian Daboll gets one last chance to do something with Big Blue. Despite the offensive line being an eternal problem, the Giants Brain Trust instead threw themselves headlong into the quarterback situation, coming up with Russell “They Took the Dangerwich Off the Subway Menu” Wilson, perv-turned-motivational-speaker Jameis Winston, and rookie Jaxson Dart. They all might start games, which will inevitably lead to each of them running for their lives which heaving prayers to stud WR Malik Nabers. Sound like a recipe for success? I don’t think so.
#28 – Cleveland Browns
2024 Record: 3-14
To sum up this franchise and its competency, all one needs to do is look at the quarterback room. We have 2 rookies sitting behind a 40-year-old who has ridden the bench for half-a-decade, all while Deshaun Watson collects generational wealth to questionably rehab some injuries and hopefully avoid pestering more women.
#27 – Atlanta Falcons
2024 Record: 8-9
The Falcons spent a ton of money to figure out Kirk Cousins isn’t the answer. Now Michael Penix Jr. teams up with Bijan Robinson to get the Dirty Birds back on track. Color me pessimistic, although Robinson will certainly have some highlight reel plays this year.
#26 – Indianapolis Colts
2024 Record: 8-9
The franchise quarterback has been benched…meaning it’s Danny Dimes’ music I’m hearing! They have some light defensive reinforcements and Jonathan Taylor at running back, but nothing excites me here.
#25 – Carolina Panthers
2024 Record: 5-12
I root hard for Bryce Young, and Dave Canales is certainly a competent coach. While owner Dave Tepper hasn’t endeared himself to the Charlotte faithful, there were semblances of stability on this ship last year towards the end. I want this team to succeed; they are gritty and fight hard. Playoffs, however, remain a step too far, and I still have questions about Young at the quarterback position.
Plucky Underdogs
Embed from Getty Images#24 – Miami Dolphins
2024 Record: 8-9
I am all out on the Fish. Stars don’t want to be there. The quarterback probably should have retired due to injuries. Their is no backup plan if said quarterback gets hurt again. The coach seems mentally checked out. They will probably win some barnburners in September and go winless in December to fall out of the hunt…again.
#23 – Dallas Cowboys
2024 Record: 7-10
Speaking of all out, how ’bout them Cowboys?!?! Jerry Jones has a case of someone who hasn’t heard the word “no” in far too long. The esteemed owner seems convinced of his negotiation tactics, and it cost them a generation defensive talent in Micah Parsons. And my-oh-my is that cupboard bare on offense.
#22 – New York Jets
2024 Record: 5-12
The weekly ayahuasca-fueled musings on the Pat McAfee show have traveled to Pittsburgh, and all of New York breaths a sigh of relief. The hopes and dreams of Gang Green now rest on Justin Fields taking another step forward after yet more flashes last year with the Steelers. Aaron Glenn takes the reigns of team that still feels bursting with drama. The pieces are theoretically in place, but can he get everyone rowing the boat in sync?
#21 – Minnesota Vikings
2024 Record: 14-3
Kevin O’ Connell is an offensive savant. Brian Flores is a defensive savant. Kwesi Odofo-Mensah consistently packs a roster full of talent. How are they at 21? The most important position on the football field is a complete question mark. There were questions of JJ McCarthy’s game would translate to the NFL, and he hasn’t played competitive football in close to two years. Maybe he surprises me, but I think the Vikings made a big mistake not splashing out on another veteran to steer the ship for another year. Unless you count Carson Wentz…
#20 – Chicago Bears
2024 Record: 5-12
The team allergic to developing quarterbacks made a real mess of their latest project last year, and Caleb Williams is now under the watchful tutelage of ex-Lions’ offensive guru Ben Johnson. Will he turn things around? I have my doubts, considering the franchise history. In other news, the team is looking to be latest to leave a historic home and fleece some taxpayers for a shiny new home. It really does always end up coming back to the money…
Ryan Fitzpatrick Memorial Almost-Made-the-Playoffs Tier
Embed from Getty Images#19 – Arizona Cardinals
2024 Record: 8-9
As of the start of the season, the Cards have recorded 812 regular season losses in their history across 3 cities, all the while owning the longest championship drought in American professional sports at 77 years. Keep that in mind as they continue to mire in mediocrity yet again this season.
#18 – Denver Broncos
2024 Record: 10-7
Broncos Country rides again! Despite an unexpected playoff birth last season, the limitations of this offense under Bo Nix were laid clear in the Wild Card loss to Buffalo. 10-11 win ceilings with a blink-or-you’ll-miss-it playoff cameo looks to be the ceiling for the foreseeable future. They are simply not a contender, no matter what Coach Sean Payton says.
#17 – Jacksonville Jaguars
2024 Record: 4-13
Will this be the year of Trevor Lawrence? The can’t-miss prospect from several years ago has ended up stuck in neutral, much like the team he captains. Maybe two-way sensation Travis Hunter will be the one turn the Jags into contenders. All they have to do to score, apparently, is get near the halfway line: check out kicker Cam Little’s record shattering bomb this preseason. Shoutout to their awesome throwback uniforms as well; they need to return to these ASAP!
#16 – New England Patriots
2024 Record: 4-13
Their baaaaaaackkkk! After a brief hiatus, the Evil Empire of the NFL has risen from the ashes. Under Belichick-lite coach Mike Vrabel and QB Drake Maye, this team has every chance to snag a Wild Card birth this season. A solid defense will keep the team in most games, and if Stefon Diggs returns to form, Maye finally has a game-changing weapon to work with.
#15 – Las Vegas Raiders
2024 Record: 4-13
My super-sleeper of the year, I believe that a trio of newbies will re-invigorate a lost franchise. QB Geno Smith, RB Ashton Jeanty, and coach Pete Carroll are a solid group to build around. In TE Brock Bowers and WR Amari Cooper, the Silver-and-Black have some real firepower on offense, and DE Maxx Crosby is still here as well.
If the Stars Align
Embed from Getty Images#14 – Los Angeles Chargers
2024 Record: 11-6
Coach Jim Harbaugh coaxed a playoff appearance out of a limited roster, one that I don’t think has gotten any better. Harbaugh loves to grind out results on the ground and with solid defense; while the defense can hold up its end of the bargain, I can’t see the running backs room doing the same.
#13 – Washington Commanders
2024 Record: 12-5
The Cinderella’s of last year, the Commanders return their offensive stars and add the oft-injured but impactful Deebo Samuel to the mix. Head coach Dan Quinn and offensive coordinator Kliff Kingsbury spearheaded an unlikely turnaround the in the nation’s capital. I think this year will see some regression, but it is clear they are building out a contender here.
#12 – Pittsburgh Steelers
2024 Record: 10-7
Every year it’s the same story. Mike Tomlin may get fired. They have no quarterback. Their offense is from the Stone Age. Terrible towels. The result is predictable: a gritty, 10-12 win season, a postseason birth, and a quick exit. Expect nothing else here, as what’s left of Aaron Rodgers tries to guide this team to their first postseason win since 2017. At least with Rodgers in the mix, it will be exciting!
#11 – Los Angeles Rams
2024 Record: 10-7
While coach Sean McVay seemingly ages 5 years every season from stress, the Rams keep on grinding out respectability. When Matthew Stafford is healthy, his arm still has plenty of juice to get the ball to stud wideout Puca Nacua. While another playoff appearance is likely, a rebuild looms in the near future. Will McVay stick around for it, or head to the broadcast booth?
#10 – Green Bay Packers
2024 Record: 11-6
It seems like everyone is off the Jordan Love train, but I’m still a believer. The young corps of receivers is due to take a step forward, the Love is healthy again. That, plus the scheme whipped up by the incredibly underrated Matt LaFleur, will make the NFC North a dogfight with the Lions. I wouldn’t be surprised at all to the Pack back on top of the division come January.
#9 – Houston Texans
2024 Record: 10-7
Everything went sideways last year in Houston. The offensive was offensive, and a once-proud defense was nothing was nothing write home about either. I’m chalking it up as a Sophomore Slump and expecting a rebound this year. I’m sure lessons were learned and CJ Stroud and Co. will be right up there challenging in the AFC again. It helps that their division is truly terrible in order to pad the win column.
#8 – San Francisco 49ers
2024 Record: 6-11
Your first round draft pick getting shot isn’t a good omen for a successful season. Everything that could go wrong did last season for the Niners. The core of players that were a fixture atop the NFC are aging, and they lost a couple contributors this offseason. Kyle Shanahan’s men still have enough firepower to make another run, but this will be a big litmus test for Brock Purdy.
Elite
Embed from Getty Images#7 – Tampa Bay Buccaneers
2024 Record: 10-7
The biggest question mark on this team, for me, is the head coach. Todd Bowles is highly competent, and always runs a good defense. He has a high-powered offense. The pieces are there for the Bucs to go on a run, but Bowles absolutely HAS TO go for it! He has a crippling conservative streak in the crucial moments of games; while not everyone should be as nuts as Dan Campbell, there is a happy medium Bowles needs to find before he costs his team a run.
#6 – Cincinnati Bengals
2024 Record: 9-8
It seems absurd that one of the greatest offenses in league history failed to make the playoffs, but that is exactly what happened in Cinci last Autumn. The unstoppable trio of Burrow-Chase-Higgins returns to demolish NFL defenses, but the Bengals need one of their own to make up ground on the best-of-the-best. Long term, they need to keep working things out with DE Trey Hendrickson, because he is just as big a piece of the puzzle.
#5 – Kansas City Chiefs
2024 Record: 15-2
The GIF of Jesse Pinkman screaming “They can’t keep getting away with this!” sums up the 2024 Chiefs. And yes, there is plenty of envy coming from this Bills fan. They kept up an absurd streak of insane wins, courtesy of blocked field goals, convenient penalties, and turnovers. It truly wasn’t fair! You know the rest of the story: they cruised to home field advantage, out-coached the Bills in the vital game yet again, and got their lunch (thankfully!) handed to them by the Eagles.
Like the cockroach that won’t die, the Chiefs will be there to torment the AFC once more. Andy Reid might be a wizard, and Patrick Mahomes has the know-how to grind out wins despite a fading supporting case. Overlook them at your peril…again.
#4 – Detroit Lions
2024 Record: 15-2
For the first time in their history, the Lions are must-see TV. Under the Danimal, Dan Campbell, the Lions play the most high-risk, high-reward style of ball I’ve ever seen. It is majestic to watch! And when it works, Campbell looks like a genius. When it doesn’t, the Lions lose their first playoff game after snagging home field advantage. I don’t know if they can ever win the big one this way, but I sure hope they do!
#3 – Philadelphia Eagles
2024 Record: 14-3, Super Bowl Champs!
It was quite the ride for the Birds last year, who went from wanting to run coach Nick Sirianni out of town in September to lifting the Lombardi come February. There were plenty of Tush-Pushes. Saquan reverse-hurdled a dude. And my goodness, that defensive line!
I see no real reason they can’t repeat; they play in the significantly weaker conference and have the same core intact.
#2 – Baltimore Ravens
2024 Record: 12-5
Maybe it is the romantic in me, but I believe this is the year one of the two AFC bridesmaids finally walk away with it all. The Ravens are certainly worthy of a crown – an incredible offense powered by a nearly unstoppable two-headed monster of future Hall-of-Famers Lamar Jackson and Derrick Henry, a defense with talent in all 3 layers. They have a Super Bowl-winning coach. On paper, they have it all. But the game isn’t played on paper; occasionally it’s played on a snowy field in Buffalo where one play makes all the difference. If these two meet again in January, you know it will be a similar story.
#1 – Buffalo Bills
2024 Record: 13-4
Yeah, call me a Bills Homer. Tell me about the 4 Super Bowl losses, or the 4 losses to the Chiefs. Bring up the 17-year playoff drought earlier this century, or coach Sean McDermott’s questionable motivational speeches. Heck, this is the franchise that gave the world O.J. Simpson (still on the Wall of Fame!) Maybe I’m nuts to expect a title out of team so cursed, but here we are. With a healthy Josh Allen, anything is possible. The defense has improved from last year, and if the receiving corps can take a step forward, the sky is the limit.
If only McDermott and offensive coordinator Joe Brady can stop overthinking things against the Chiefs in January…
Thank for the Packers comments . I hope you are right. I still question Love’s consistency.
As far as the Bills I pray that you are right. The Bills scouts need to know what and when KC is at their weakness and exploit those weaknesses until they adjust.
You amaze me with all of the knowledge you have. You know everything there is to know about the teams and the players. You would make a great announcer. And best of all you picked the bills as number 1. I will be cheering with you all year long. Love G-ma ❤️